


Boy Meets Boy

by orphan_account



Series: Written in the Stars [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Depression, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-28
Updated: 2017-06-10
Packaged: 2018-11-05 20:16:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 12,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11020791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: A young boy eager to break tradition. Another just wanting to be loved. What happens when, not only their paths cross, but become one?





	1. Smiles Are The Best

A small boy with slightly too long black hair boarded the train after a stiff nod from his even stiffer mother. After walking the length of the train, he decided to sit with a bespeckled boy with shaggy hair.

"Hey, can I sit here?"

"Yeah, sure. I'm James, by the way. James Potter." The shaggy-haired boy called James grinned.

"Sirius. Sirius Black." He sat down across from James. Before he could say anything more, the compartment opened again. Both boys looked up to see a sandy-haired boy with three long scars intersecting his face looking down at his feet, shyly.

"Can I sit here?" He was sure they would say no. He didn't exactly make friends quickly.

"Of course," the other two chorused

"I'm James Potter, and this is Sirius Black," James spoke up, clearly not lacking confidence.

"Remus Lupin," was all he said as he sat down. Before long, they fell into a comfortable conversation.

"I can't wait to play Quidditch. I bet I'll be a chaser. It's a shame first years can't try out. I'd love to be one the team." James spoke very animatedly.

"Eh, it's all fun and cool to watch, but I don't think I'd want to play. Too many rules. Sucks the fun of playing right out. What about you Remus, you play?" Sirius looked at the third boy.

"Not really. I'd much rather keep my feet on the ground, thank you." He looked almost comically stern.

"Then what do you two do for fun?" James looked between them.

"Well, I play games with my brother, try not to piss off my mum. I spend a lot of time out back where I can get some peace out of the house." Sirius nodded as he spoke.

"I enjoy books. My parents are a little protective, so I don't have any friends." Remus looked down at his hands.

"Well, I'll be your friend," both dark haired boys said together. All three of them were howling in laughter when the candy witch opened the door.

"Anything off the trolley, dears?" She asked.

"Just a bar of chocolate for me," Remus replied, passing the proper coinage to the plump woman.

"We'll take the lot," James and Sirius grinned, handing over a whole bag of coins.

"Here," Sirius gave every chocolate bar to Remus. He liked making the smaller boy smile. He vowed he'd do what he could to make that smile appear more often. Remus didn't look like he smiled often.

The boys fell back into the conversation as the train sped along. Sirius made Remus smile 13 times. He counted. And sooner than they expected, the new trio arrived at Hogsmeade station, ready to begin a seven-year adventure together.


	2. A Sorting of Sorts

"Black, Sirius. Gryffindor!" Sirius didn't hear who was called after him, his head swimming. He wasn't in Slytherin. This was his chance to be different. His family was going to be so mad. Maybe it wouldn't be that bad?

"Lupin, Remus. Gryffindor!" At least his new friend would be with him. Remus sat beside him as the next couple of students were sorted.

"Pettigrew, Peter. Gryffindor!" A clumsy boy sat on Remus' other side.

"Potter, James. Gryffindor!" The boy jumped into the bench beside Sirius, practically beaming. It seemed like everything would be alright.

After dinner, Sirius wrote a letter to his family and crawled into bed. Things were looking good. Maybe Hogwarts wouldn't be so bad after all.


	3. Words Hurt

"Look, Sirius, you've got a letter." Remus handed an envelope to the other boy. Sirius tore it open but hesitated before unfolding it. What would it say?

"Come on, Black, you have to read it at some point," James said, reading his own letter.

As Sirius read his letter, his face became unreadable. The time tables were handed out, and upon receiving his, left early for their first class.

"Hey, Sirius, wait up!" James ran after him. "Hey, is everything alright?"

"Yeah mate, I'm good. Just the usual crap from my mom. She seems to think I'm horrible for being in Gryffindor, like it's the end of the world or something." Sirius never let the mask fall as he spoke.

"Oh, ok, as long as you're alright." And the two sat down to begin lessons, with Remus beside them and the Peter kid behind them.

Ok? Remus passed a piece of parchment to Sirius.

Fit as a fiddle was written back.

Sure?

Positive.

Remus seemed to let it drop, not getting any real answers from the other boy. The rest of the day continued, with Sirius not uttering another word. If teachers called on him, he didn't utter a word. If his new friends tried to talk to him, he'd just smile weakly. But there was nothing anyone could do, it seemed. At dinner, Sirius seemed to follow the conversation, but besides making sure he sat between James and Remus, he didn't seem interested in actually communicating.

You sure, you're ok? Remus passed another parchment.

Fine. Just a stupid letter from home. It doesn't matter

Let me see it

See what?

The letter

Why?

Just hand it to me.

"You got him to talk?" James surprised both of his friends, who'd sort of forgotten he was there. Remus took the letter from Sirius before he knew it happened.

"Don't worry about it, James. Just giving him some class notes. Now, I need to use the restroom. I'll see you guys back at the dorms." And with that, Remus was gone. After Remus left, Sirius made his way up to his room, and immediately crawled into bed, drawing the curtains around his bed. He sat there in silence for quite some time, how long, he wasn't sure. Once he heard all the other boys fall asleep, he let the tears he had been holding back all day fall. Without meaning to, he let out a small sob. Sirius didn't move though, as he heard someone pull back his curtain, and felt the bed depress.

"Are you crying because of the letter?" Sirius recognized the voice as Remus'. All he managed was a weak nod. "Well, you shouldn't pay it any mind. I have an idea. Come on." Remus pulled Sirius out of bed by his hand and led him downstairs to the common room. "Here." Remus handed Sirius the letter back.

"What do you want me to do with this?" Sirius' voice came out as a croak.

"Burn it. Burn all the mean things she said. It'll make you feel better." And so Sirius threw the letter into the fire and began sobbing in earnest. Remus led him to the couch, holding him as he cried, like his mom did for him. Both boys fell asleep like that, and curled up on the sofa was how James found them the next morning.


	4. Laughter is the Cure

"Oi! What are you two doing out here?" James woke the other two. Peter stood behind James.

"We just fell asleep talking is all." Remus seemed to lie with ease, which surprised Sirius.

"Well, we need to leave if we want to eat before lessons." James pointed at the watch on his thin wrist.

"Let us change, we will meet you down there." Sirius spoke up, hoarsely. The two ragged looking boys made their way upstairs to put on fresh robes.

"You ok, mate?" Remus was looking at Sirius.

"Yeah, I'll be fine. Thank you." Sirius gave a smile. It was small but it was genuine, causing Remus to smile. Sirius liked making that smile appear.

The two joined their roommates for breakfast.

"So, tomorrow is our first Saturday. What should we do?" James didn't bother with a greeting.

"Why don't we just hang out on the grounds?" Remus looked at James.

"We can hang out down by the lake!" Sirius looked excited. "I heard there's a giant squid." James and Remus chuckled with Sirius joining in the laughter.

The day went on. The boys distracted each other during lessons, laughed together during meals, and managed to forget the terrible letter from home. Even the small boy, Peter seemed to be joining the fun. All of them eager for the weekend, wasted no time getting to know each other. It had felt like they'd been friends all along


	5. Best Friends Aren't Monsters

The first few years carried on without too much incident unless you count James and Sirius having detention every other week, occasionally joined by Peter or Remus. Sirius' favorite were when Remus joined. While James seemed to enjoy Peter's company, Sirius wasn't overly fond of the boy. He tolerated the bumbling buffoon (in Sirius' opinion, anyway) only because he was James' friend and James was Sirius' best friend. Sirius mostly got in trouble for practical jokes and such. Some of these antics were just good fun with his best friend. Others were to make that smile appear on Remus' face that he was so fond of. Sometimes, it was harder to make Remus smile than others. But as stubborn as he was, Sirius never gave up. His friendship with Remus was different than his friendship with James. James brought out the chaos in him, fuel to the fire. Remus balanced him, the force that could calm a storm. He and James caused trouble and became like brothers, but when Sirius needed to talk about something heavy or needed a shoulder to cry on, it was Remus he went to. By the third year, the quartet had become inseparable.

"Remus, you sure you are ok? You know you can tell me what's going on. I won't tell James and Peter." Sirius had sat across from Remus on his bed.

"You ever have a secret that you know will make people hate you?" Remus looked scared.

"Are you talking about how you disappear every full moon?" Sirius' question was tentative, probing.

"What?" The terror in the other boy's eyes grew.

"I don't mind. I also haven't said anything to the others. I promise." Sirius met and held Remus' eyes.

"How come you don't mind? I'm a monster," Remus whispered.

"No, you aren't. Remus John Lupin, you are the most amazing guy I've ever met. You are kind and funny, and I couldn't ask for a better friend. And even though you have your own problems, you always ask me how I am and listen to my family drama." Sirius had begun to breathe hard. "You are not a monster, you just happen to have a small monthly issue. You could never be a monster."

"Thank you, Sirius. Please don't tell James and Peter."

"Tell James and Peter what?" James interrupted the poignant moment.

"How much of a prat James is, and how he should stop picking on people," Sirius lied with great ease. Remus just smiled.

"Well, come one, love birds, we have an appointment with McGonnagoll." James left the room, chuckling to himself. Remus and Sirius followed, Remus shooting his friend a thankful glance.

"Now your lines will be 'I shall not set off dung bombs in the Headmaster's Office.' Three feet of parchment's worth. You may begin." The only sound was the scratching of a quill on parchment. Sirius sat on one bench with Remus and Peter on another with James. Detention passed without much incident, though James had attempted to turn in a parchment that had the assigned line written so big, it only took one sentence to fill all three feet of parchment.

When they finally finished, they all went to bed and Remus fell asleep, happy, knowing he wouldn't lose his best friend.


	6. Subtle Can Be Brought From Blatancy

"Where did you get the firewhiskey?" 14-year-old Remus arched a single eyebrow at the two troublemakers in front of him.

"My charm and Sirius' good looks of course." James just smirked at the other boy.

"And why so much?"

"Because we are going to get the whole dorm to play drunken spin the bottle is why." This time Sirius spoke up. Remus just smiled. Smiled just for Sirius. He adored the way the other boy's eye shone a little brighter when Remus smiled.

===

Remus spun the bottle. He and most of Gryffindor it seemed were drunk, sitting in the common room in a circle. He'd already had to place a kiss on the lips of James, Eva, Becky, and Lucy. But none of those were particularly enjoyed. Remus didn't mind snogging, but there was something tedious about kissing each of them. The bottle stopped and Remus locked on to the gray eyes across from him. A few wolf whistles arose from the crowd. Remus, letting the alcohol provide a reprieve from sense, launched across the circle, closing his lips around Sirius'. Sirius kissed back. Well, this was much more enjoyable than kissing Eva, of that the teen was certain. The kissing didn't stop. Remus didn't want it to stop, and neither, it seemed, did the other set of lips.

"Oi! Get a room or get off each other. We are in the middle of a game." Some other Gryffindors agreed. Remus hadn't realized he'd been laying on top of his friend. He retook his seat, trying to hold his dignity intact. He wasn't used to being so open and unreserved in front of so many people. The night wore on, but Remus could still feel Sirius on his lips, couldn't tear his eyes away from the warm gray across the circle.

===

Days passed and things seemed almost normal between the two boys. Almost. There were subtle differences in how they interacted. Remus' eyes would linger too long on Sirius' lips, Sirius always smiled when Remus walked in, no matter what. Also, small touched occurred here and there. A lingering hand on the small of the back when passing behind one another, a brush of the arm during conversation, knees pressed together when sitting together, hands running through hair when one sat at the other's feet. You could almost hear the affections grow. You could certainly see it. But no one talked about it, just smiled or rolled their eyes when they noticed. Not even Remus and Sirius discussed it. At least at first.


	7. Family F*cking Sucks

Sirius had received another letter from home. It was from his mother. Of course, it was from his mother. His father didn't bother to write him anymore. Walburga Black must have heard of how friendly Sirius and Remus were. It was bad enough for her that Remus was a guy, meaning there could be no heir, but he was a werewolf and a Half-Blood. Sirius had written back, telling her they weren't together and that she was unreasonable. That earned the boy a Howler. All about how she wasn't stupid, how terrible of a son Sirius was, and a few choice insults slung at her eldest son.

"Sirius, where are you? You never came down for lunch, and you missed class." Sirius could hear Remus coming up the dormitory stairs and closed the curtains around his bed. "Sirius, are you ok? I know you're in there." The curtains on his bed pulled back, and Sirius could see his friend there.

"How'd you know I was in here?" Sirius refused to look anywhere but the hole in his jeans he'd been staring at for hours.

"Well, you never close your curtains unless you're hiding." Remus sounded like it was evident. "Now, why are you hiding? Was it your family?" Sirius just nodded before tears prickled his eyes. He got up off the bed, heading to the bathroom so Remus couldn't see him cry. Remus grabbed his arm and spun him around.

"Remus, let me go." The last word came out cracked, betraying the emotion about to spill over. Remus did not, however, obey his friend, but instead pulled him closer. Sirius lost all composure when embraced, and the sobs were drawn heavily and painfully from his chest. As he collapsed, Remus dropped to the floor with him, and just held the grief-stricken boy, allowing him to sob into his jumper.

"Sh, Sirius, it's ok, I've got you. Just let it out." Remus stroked the overgrown black hair.

"Remus, did you find-" James burst into the dormitory but stopped short upon seeing the two boys on the ground. Sirius didn't notice between hysterical cries, but Remus just shook his head, and James understood he'd be better to come back later. Sirius didn't like to look weak in front of the others, and James and Sirius were a different type of best friends than Sirius and Remus.

Sirius cried until he had no tears left. Remus stood the other teen up, walked him to his bed, and attempted to lay him down. Sirius refused to let go of his friend, however, and so Remus made the decision to lay with him, not without a sigh of course. It wasn't long before Sirius' breathing evened and Remus knew he was asleep.

Thrashing woke Remus, and at first, he forgot where he was and with whom he was there with. After a second, he got his bearing.

"Sirius, love, wake up." Remus gently shook the boy in his arms. "Sirius," hiss voice grew louder as he tried harder to wake the other teen. "Sirius, you need to wake up."

Sirius' eyes opened wide with fear and shock, and he began flailing his arms. Remus caught Sirius' arms, not wanting a black eye for his efforts.

"Sirius, it's ok, it's me, it's Remus. It's just me." Remus kept his tone soothing, not wishing to scare Sirius more.

"Remus, oh Merlin, Remus. I'm so sorry; I thought you were-"

"It's ok, I know. Come here; I've got you." Remus had cut off Sirius and pulled him in. "You're ok now. I've got you." Remus had an inkling of what Sirius dreamed about. He'd seen some of the letters Sirius received; he knew all about the terrible things his family said about him, the things no child should have to hear from their parents. Remus didn't get back to sleep that night. Neither did Sirius. 

"Remus," Sirius croaked.

"Yes?"

"I think I love you," Sirius' voice was low, but his words clear.

"I know, love." Remus smiled against Sirius' hair.

"You do?" Sirius seemed genuinely surprised. 

"You're an open book. I see it in the way you look at me, the way you are different with me than with James, letting me in, letting me see how much you are hurting. I see it in the way you always brush my arm, press your knee to mine during class, lay against me in the common room. I see it in how, with James, you seem chaotic, but with me, you are calm, at peace. I see it every day, and I love it," Remus began to blush.

"Remus, I don't think we should be friends, I think we should be...more." Sirius was so nervous as he said this, thinking Remus would probably reject him. 

"I think I'd like that." Remus was positively beaming as his stomach fluttered.


	8. It Hurts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Self-Harm Trigger Warning

"You did what?!" Remus couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"We became animagi; that way we can help you with your monthly issue." James looked like he thought he was a genius.

"No! I won't let you put yourself in danger on my behalf. Absolutely not. No, Sirius, I don't want to hear it. This is the stupidest thing you guys have done so far. I can't believe you." Remus was fuming as he walked away, leaving his friends gobsmacked in his wake.

"Hey Sirius, what's got your boyfriend in such a-" James looked at his friend to see a crestfallen face and glassy eyes. "Hey, buddy, you ok?" James was concerned about his friend, who just nodded and hid behind the curtains on his bed. James let him have some time for himself. He and Peter played some wizard chess the rest of the morning. Neither of them saw Sirius the rest of the morning, just the red curtains.

"Sirius, come on, let's go to dinner. We missed lunch, and all of us need to eat." Peter's voice betrayed his tentativeness. But the small teen received no answer, so he and James left to eat, promising their friend they'd bring him food. "James, do you think he will be ok?"

"I'm sure he will. He just needs some time, Pete." James flashed a reassuring smile.

"How do we get him to come out? Usually, Remus would know how to do that. He was really mad this morning, wasn't he?" Peter sounded just a little sad.

"Yeah, yeah he was. Come on, I'm starving, and I know if I'm hungry, then you are too." All conversation ended then, and the two boys ate quickly and quietly. Once they finished, they took som biscuits and sausage in napkins to their dorm. Sirius was still hiding in his bed, so they just left the food on his bedside table. Remus must have returned to the dorm because his curtains were also closed.

"Remus, can we talk?" James stood between his and Remus' bed.

"No, you can just fuck off, Potter. I don't want to even look at any of you right now." The tone of Remus' voice was harsh, and a barely audible hiccup was heard from Sirius' bed. James let out a sigh and went to his own bed. Maybe his friend would feel better in the morning, and all this would be behind them.

In fact, Remus spoke to none of them the rest of the week. Soon, one week melded into two weeks which turned into a month. Sirius only left his hiding spot to go to classes and use the bathroom. He barely ate anymore, and James was worried about the fact that his friend had begun to lose weight. He had also grown pale and looked as if he never slept. Finally, James had had enough.

"Remus John Lupin, I have some words for you!" James stormed into the library, earning a glare from Pince, which he didn't even notice.

"I have nothing to say to you." Remus never even looked up from his book.

"Good, then you can listen. I don't give a shit that you are mad at me. It was my idea, to begin with. And I can handle the silence. But what you are doing to Sirius is cruel. He doesn't talk anymore, nor does he eat. I think he only had a single biscuit yesterday, based on how much of the food I brought him ended up in the rubbish bin. He doesn't sleep, despite only leaving his bed for classes. He cries every night, and he won't even look at Pete and me. He looks at you during class, and every time you ignore him or glare at him, I have to watch my best friend fight tears." James was leaning close to Remus, demanding his attention, and ensuring his presence couldn't be ignored.

"Don't be so dramatic. Sirius is fine. He is just a drama queen." Remus waved his hand dismissively. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I am trying to read. I will leave you three to your illegal stupidity."

"Damn it, Remus! He fucking loves you, and you are behaving like a right git! He's hurting, a lot, and you are the only one who can't see that. McGonnagoll hasn't even given him detention for failing to hand in his essay, is how pathetic it's become. He's lost weight, to the point that I'm worried he'll fall over any day now. You know yesterday was the only day he ate this week? And it's Saturday. I don't give a damn how mad you are, you need to go up there and fix this or I'll jinx you and take you up there myself." James was now red in the face, anger making his voice scary quiet.

"Why hasn't he come to talk to me? Why didn't he see me in the Wing two days ago? He's made no effort to speak to me, to apologise." Remus was finally looking at James.

"You haven't exactly given him a chance. You said you didn't even want to look at us, and he took that to heart. You haven't been around the tower, except to sleep, you won't even look at him. He thinks you've broken up with him. You know what he said the day after the fight? That he was sorry that he had hurt you, and was scared you'd left. And then he cried in the bathroom for an hour before hiding again. That was the last time he spoke to me. After that, every time I tried to open his curtains, he hexed me. He body bound poor Peter. We are his only family, now Remus. You know what his parents are like. You can't do this to the poor kid." James grabbed Remus by the arm and shirt and dragged him up to the Gryffindor tower. "Get in there and fix this, or I'll tie you to your bedpost." James shoved him roughly into the dorm, closing the door behind him. Remus sighed and walked over to Sirius' bed.

"Sirius, stop being so dramatic and go tell James you're ok, and end this non-" Remus stopped short at what he saw. Sirius sat there, crying, burn marks and blood blemished his pyjama sleeves. "Sirius?" Remus' voice came out barely a whisper. Sirius didn't move, didn't answer. Remus grabbed his boyfriend's arm and pulled back his sleeve. "What have you done to yourself, love?" Tears slowly and quietly moved down Remus' face. "We need to get you to the Wing, Sirius. Come on." Sirius still didn't move, still as the statues above the entrance hall. Not knowing what else to do, he lifted the other boy off the bed and carried him down the stairs, passing a gaping James and a nervous Peter.Neither spoke but followed Remus as he walked to the Hospital Wing.

When they arrived at their destination, Remus sat on a bed, setting the other boy on his lap and refusing to let go as James got Madam Pomfrey. Even when the Matron arrived, Remus refused to let go of the boy who had begun sobbing against his chest. Remus was still crying quietly, whispering apologies over and over again as the nurse healed the wounds on Sirius' skin. No one asked any questions, and when Pomfrey was done, the two crying teens were left in privacy.

"Sirius, why did you do this to yourself?" Remus placed his chin on his boyfriend's head.

"I thought you weren't coming back, and that hurt so much, Remus. It just hurts so much, all of it. I can't stand it. Everything is too much." Sirius' tears were renewed as his voice cracked and it sounded like the cries were ripped out of his chest. It absolutely broke Remus' heart. He had promised he would never make Sirius feel the way his family did, and he had failed. Remus hated himself at that moment. He had failed the one person he thought he never would. He held Sirius as the boy would physically fall apart otherwise, though it felt more like he was holding himself together by having Sirius in his arms. He vowed to himself that he'd do better.


	9. Preparing

"So, what animals do you all turn into, then?" Remus had decided to accept what his friends had done, instead of losing the most important people in his life.

"I'm a dog, big and black and shaggy, like my hair," Sirius spoke quietly. His confidence hadn't quite returned after that month without Remus. He was still too quiet, and he refused to leave his boyfriend's side. It was as if he was afraid, that if Remus left the room, he'd never return.

"I'm a stag, got antlers and all." James was beaming with pride.

"I'm a rat. Don't know why." Peter looked unsure, sitting next to Sirius. Peter had said something to Sirius earlier that caused the taller boy to snap. Neither would tell the others what was said, but the tension was still apparent. Remus, Peter, and James continued to talk throughout lunch, Sirius just picking at his food and staring at Remus. Remus squeezed his hand reassuringly every few minutes and made sure to flash the smile his boyfriend loved so much.

The boys were in the dorm later that evening. James and Peter were playing wizard chess as Sirius sat lay against his headboard, reading something about the meaning of animagus form. After another crushing defeat, Peter gave up and moved to where Sirius was, sitting on his bed.

"Get your diseased ass off of my bed," Sirius growled.

"I'm not diseased," Peter said, offended.

"Look up 'Black Plague' in the library, you know, if you can find it," Sirius physically kicked Peter off the bed, the fat boy hitting the floor with a dull thud.

"Why would I look up your family?" Peter definitely looked upset, something unusual for him.

"You pathetic little git," Sirius hit Peter with a stinging hex as he towered menacingly over the other boy, pointing his wand at his thick chest. Peter yelped as he reached for his own wand.

"Peter, don't do anything stupid now," Sirius voiced darkly.

"Padfoot! Back off!" Sirius ignored James.

"Sirius Orian Black, enough," Remus commanded firmly. No one had seen him enter and so they all turned to look at the boy returning from Prefect rounds. "Peter, go downstairs with James, please? I think Sirius here needs some space." 

James looked at Sirius curiously as he pulled his other friend along downstairs. Remus pulled Sirius back onto his bed and held the boy he had now outgrown.

"Care to tell me what that was all about?" Remus looked at Sirius softly.

"He's just some weakling clinging to James like James is a god who can protect him. And I don't trust him. Why would his animagus be a rat? Rats are never seen as good. Look at what I found." Sirius handed the book that he had been reading.

The rat is the emblem of uncleanliness and impurity. Since the times of the plague in the 14th century, their quiet nature often has connotations of sneakiness. Also, rat is slang for snitch or informant.

"Sirius, this doesn't mean Peter is untrustworthy," Remus began.

"Even with the new Minister, things aren't getting better, Remus. This year is about to end, and it's been nearly six years, and no one knows what to do to fix this. Can we really afford friends we can't trust?" Sirius turned to look at Remus. 

"What else is going on? This is about more than Peter, isn't it?" Remus was right. Sirius handed him a letter from home, detailing all the reasons Sirius should also support his parents' political views concerning the war.

"I don't want to go back next month. They know I disagree and I'm sure Regulus has already told them about us. If this is how they feel about the war, how do you think they'll react to me dating a Half-Blood and werewolf? I can already tell it'll be terrible." Sirius deflated.

"Well, if things get dreadful, owl me or James and we will see what we can do, alright? I mean James' parents already love you." Remus smiled, hoping to reassure Sirius. 

"Let's go to Hogsmeade this weekend," Sirius changed the subject. It took Remus a second to recover. 

"I thought we would go already. We usually go, unless it's the moon," Remus responded slowly.

"No, just you and me. Like a date. Without Peter and James. Consider it your birthday treat. The moon won't be for another week and a half, and we can stay up till midnight on Saturday that way I can be the first to say happy birthday on Sunday. I want to treat you." Sirius sat up proper, face beaming with excitement. 

"I don't want you to spend a lot of money on me, Sirius." Remus hated others spending a lot on him.

"It's my parent's money, so please, allow me." Sirius sounded quite urgent.

"Fine, a birthday date weekend," Remus sighed.

"This will be your best birthday yet, that's a promise!"


	10. Happy Birthday

"Come on, Moony, Let's go," the shaggy-haired boy whined.

"Moony?" Remus cocked an eyebrow.

"Well? It works. Now, come on!" Sirius physically dragged a smirking Remus to a little hole in the wall named Hog's Head. "Table for two."

"Sit wherever. It's not like anyone else is here," grunted the old bartender.

"Why are we here?" Remus looked around unsure.

"Well, It's away from the noise of the busier places, and they've got good food." Remus laughed at that, and it positively made Sirius shine with glee. It was the best sight in the world, the best sound when Remus laughed.

They both had eaten large lunches before Sirius dragged Remus to all the shops, buying Remus books and sweater. He even bought his boyfriend a leather braided bracelet with the date they started dating etched on a charm. The last stop was Honeydukes, where Sirius literally bought the entire stock of chocolate bars. Remus couldn't help but smile the entire time. Sirius was overly affectionate, and Remus basked in it. He never could get enough of the little touches, hand holding, kissing that seemed to accompany their date. 

"It's almost midnight, Remus." Sirius had a huge grin on his face. It was beginning to make Remus suspicious. "3...2...1. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, REMUS JOHN LUPIN!"

"Sh, Sirius, you'll wake McGonnagoll. Then we will both-" Remus was cut off by some quite ferocious kissing on Sirius' part, his eyes widening in surprise. It didn't take long before the shock dissipated and Remus melted into the kisses.

"What in Merlin's name is with the noise? Bloody hell! Mr Black, Mr Lupin, self-control, please! Most teachers don't appreciate walking in on prefects being swallowed whole by another student!" The Head of House had been greeted by the sight of both boys shirtless, Sirius laying over Remus, Remus' hands down the back of his boyfriend's pants. Said pants were partially down, exposing half of Sirius' buttocks and both teens were obviously excited. "And, please, cover up. I don't fancy seeing half-naked students." McGonagoll pointedly looked away as the two blushing boys dressed and covered their laps with their discarded sweaters.

"Sorry, Professor. See, it's Remus' birthday, and we may have gotten a little carried away." 

"Understandable, Mr Black, but please keep such moments private. These things are not supposed to be shows. Especially when one is a prefect who should be setting an example for the first years. I may be inclined to overlook this as a birthday gift, but the next time I catch two students in a compromising situation, detention will be given for indecency. Ensure the others in your house are away of this as well. I am a bit tired of finding student carried away." 

"Yes, ma'am," they chorused.

"And happy birthday, Mr Lupin," the elderly woman smiled at her student as she exited. The two boys laughed heartedly before settling in to cuddle in front of the fire. They soon fell asleep, troubles far from the mind and contentment close to the heart.


	11. Catalyst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minor Torture/Abuse Warning

"I don't want to go home," Sirius whispered. The boys were on the train, almost in London by then. The 5th year ended without any more excitement, though the tension between Sirius and Peter was palpable. 

"I know, love, I know, but everything will be ok," Remus reassured. James and Peter had fallen asleep, so Remus and Sirius had some time for themselves.

"No, it won't. I have a terrible feeling." Sirius sounded desperate.

"You always have a terrible feeling about going back home. It will be ok, and if it isn't, then go to the Potter's. And you can always owl me." Remus felt like he was repeating himself, but he understood things weren't great for his boyfriend.

As the boys disembarked the train, Sirius kissed Remus on the cheek before joining his parents and brother. 

"What was that?" Walburga looked stone but Sirius knew better. The vein throbbing in her neck betrayed her emotions. Mostly anger, Sirius figured.

"Walburga, not here," Orion hissed. The rest of the way out of the train station was silent. Once at home, Walburga seemed to decide that instead of discussing it, she'd rather lock her eldest son in his room. After a month of isolation, Walburga called her son downstairs.

"Care to explain why I find out kissing this boy? Who is he?" There was nothing kind in her voice. 

"His name is Remus Lupin, and he so happens to be my boyfriend." Sirius stood up straight, challenging his mother, staring her dead in the eye, refusing to lower his head or look away. 

"YOU DARE BEFOUL OUR NOBLE NAME BY NOT ONLY HAVING A RELATIONSHIP WHERE YOU CANNOT PRODUCE A BLACK HEIR, BUT WITH A NASTY HALF BLOOD ON TOP OF IT?!" Walburga, who seemed to have heard of the Lupin's, Remus' dad working for the ministry, lunged at her son, smacking him across the face.

"Don't touch me, you horrid bitch," Sirius' voice came out in a low growl, his face going from proud to menacing and dark.

"HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME THAT WAY, YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE PIECE OF DIRT?! YOU ARE THE BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT TO THE BLACK NAME!" Walburga had pulled her wand on her son.

"I don't care about being a Black. The lot of you are disgusting. I hate being your son. You are a bigger disappointment as parents then I could ever be as a son!" Sirius was becoming red in the face with anger. 

"YOU- WHY YOU- DON'T-' The matron sputtered, too angry to articulate proper sentences. "CRUCIO!" Torturous screams echoed through the townhouse as the teen writhed in unimaginable pain. 

Once the spell ended, Sirius ran upstairs, locking himself in his room, frantically packing a rucksack. once ha had packed some essentials and prized possessions, he climbed out of the window, ignoring the way every nerve in his body seemed to ache. He sprinted away from number 12 Grimmauld Place, holding back tears, determined to get as far away from his mother as possible. He reached a park where he sat heavily on a swing. 

It was after dark when Sirius' reverie was interrupted by a hand on his shoulder, causing him to jump and shriek in fear.

"Sirius, it's me," came the voice of James Potter. "Regulus owled me after he saw you sneak out of the window. He said something bad happened and you had disappeared."

"I can't go back, I won't go back, ever. I'd rather die!" Sirius started yelling.

"Hey, it's fine. I won't make you go back. My parents, having seen me receive your brother owl, already agreed you could stay with us. Let's go home." James looked sympathetically at his friend as they made their way back to James' father a block away. The senior Potter side-alonged both teens to the Potter residence.

"Oh my God, Sirius, are you ok?" A worried Remus embraced his boyfriend quite fiercely.

"That hurts, Moony," Sirius flatly said. "Why are you at the Potter's?"

"Mrs Potter called my dad after James left to find you. I guess James had told his parents about us. She figured you would want to see me." Remus scrutinised Sirius' appearance. "Why is there a handprint on your face?" At that, Sirius finally broke down, crying harder than he ever had in his life. The weight of all the terrible things he had been told by his parents, the glares, the letters, the howlers, the grabs, the isolation, the smack, and that final curse, it all slammed down on Sirius, and he crumbled. Remus sat there on the hallway floor, holding Sirius like he'd never let go, hiding his own tear. He knew something extraordinarily terrible had occurred, but he promised himself that he and James would take care of their broken friend, ensuring he'd suffer no longer. A line seemed to be crossed, and they would protect Sirius, guard him from the monsters he lived with.


	12. It Isn't Ok

Remus was absolutely appalled at the events Sirius had regaled, once he had managed to calm down enough to speak through the tears. The hysterics picked back up once he had finished and the disgusted look on Remus disappeared into Sirius' hair. The taller boy had enveloped his boyfriend into another embrace.

"That fucking bitch!" James punched the wall behind him. 

"James, while we share the sentiment, please don't speak like that," Euphemia Potter spoke softly. "Sirius, darling, you know you've always been welcomed here. You can stay in James room. We still have the bed you used last summer. You don't ever have to go back." Sirius cried even harder, as impossible as it seemed as he hugged the gentle woman who appeared to be saving him.

"Mom, dad, can Remus stay the night? I think it'd be good for Sirius. He always likes Remus best when he's upset." James surprised everyone with his thoughtful observations.

"As long as Lyall is ok with it," was all Fleamont responded with.

After a small argument between Remus and his mother, wherein his mother relented, Remus had gotten his parents' permission to stay the night. Sirius spent the rest of the night clung to Remus. Remus was very patient and compassionate. He managed to get Sirius to eat some toast and drink some water. James had extended Sirius' bed to fit both the boys. 

Remus was laying in bed reading a book. Sirius had cried himself to sleep in Remus' lap. James sat across the room, polishing his broom. Neither knew what to say. Nothing seemed appropriate, the events of the day too severe for words. Sirius began to stir in his sleep, his face pinched in discomfort and fear. When a groan escaped his mouth, James looked up in concern and Remus began stroking the boy's hair. 

"He's not ok." It wasn't a question, but a sad observation, James wished he had helped his best friend sooner. 

"This is my fault. He said he had a bad feeling about going back, and I told him he was going to be ok. I failed him, James. I wasn't able to protect him, and I should have. Someone should have." The words dripped with sadness and guilt. James, abandoning his broom, crawled into the bed beside the other two boys. Remus rested his head on his friend's shoulder, accepting the support.

"We both did, Remus. I should have asked him to come here sooner. We both knew how his parents are. But they won't get a chance to do this again. I won't let him go back. My mum won't let him go back. You know what he said when I found him? He said he'd rather die than go home. I knew it was bad when it was Regulus who sent me a message, he never speaks to us, but I never imagined it was this bad. Do you think he will ever be ok again?" James' voice started to waver as if he was holding back tears.

"I don't know, James, I don't know. All we can do is be here for him." Remus just looked wistfully at the sleeping boy in his lap. After a long, sad silence, the other two boys also fell asleep. When Euphemia went to wake the boys for breakfast, she found all three sleeping tightly in the same bed, Sirius clinging to Remus and back to back with her own son. She decided that last night had earned them a lie in, and exited the room silently. The three continued to sleep peacefully, comforted by the presence of each other.


	13. Removal From The Tapestry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suicide attempt warning

Sirius was the first to wake up. He was surprised to feel someone behind him, but after turning his head and seeing the mop of black hair, he knew James must have crawled in bed after he fell asleep. Remus was lying on his other side, his face inches away, looking peaceful. He felt content until the events of the previous day came crashing down. As his chest hiccuped, the other two boys stirred.

"Sirius, it's ok, you're safe now," James comforted his best as Remus pulled the crying boy in for a hug.

"I'm ok," he declared as he wiped his face. "Let's go find breakfast." And with that, the three boys walked to the kitchen, stomachs rumbling.

"Hello, boys. Sleep well?" They were greeted by Euphemia.

"Um, yeah, actually." Sirius sounded surprised, but Remus just smiled at his boyfriend.

"So, Sirius, I wrote your mother this morning and informed her that you know lived here and that we wouldn't allow you to live in those circumstances. I expect there will probably be mail today." Euphemia looked almost apologetic.

"Oh, Padds, I also wrote Reg last night. He sent me a shrunken box with the rest of your clothes and such. As much as he could pack before your mother noticed," James cut in.

"Thank you, all of you for everything," Sirius mumbled, blushing slightly. Everyone had just finished eating when an owl flew through the open kitchen window, a letter attached to the foot.

All Remus could do was watch in apprehension as Sirius opened the envelope. There wasn't a letter in it at all but a piece of tapestry. Sirius' face went blank as his eyes turned glassy.

"Hey, love, are you ok?" Remus stepped forward towards his boyfriend. 

"I'm perfect," Sirius deadpanned as he moved around Remus' attempts to touch him and locked himself in James' bedroom.

"Oh, dear," came the response from the Potter matron as her son picked up the tapestry scrap that Sirius had dropped.

"What is it?" Remus was unsure of what just happened.

"Well, some of the older, prouder families keep a family tree tapestry with every family member documented. It appears the Black is among them. When someone is removed from the tapestry, it means the removed family member is disowned from the family. It would seem Walburga saw fit to disown her 16-year-old. Poor boy isn't even of age," Fleamont explained.

"So, does that mean he technically doesn't have a family anymore?" Remus was wide-eyed.

"Technically," was all James said. Remus sprinted to where he knew Sirius was, suddenly worried that Sirius would do something destructive. 

Remus managed to unlock the door to find Sirius collapsed on the floor. He froze as he heard screams, and then footsteps running down the hall to the room he was in. 

"Sirius! No, Sirius, I need you! Sirius, wake up!" Remus didn't realise he was yelling. The tall boy dropped to his hands and knees, James catching him on his way down. 

"James, take him back to the kitchen, have your mum come in here. She will know how to clean this up. Tell her I apparated him to St. Mungo's" Fleamont was quick on his feet.

"Yes, sir," James responded. The elder Potter disappeared with a crack, carrying a limp Sirius. James stood Remus up and guided the shocked teen to the kitchen. 

"Mum, dad had to apparate Sirius to St. Mungo's. He needs you to look in my room." Euphemia knew from the look of Remus and the tone of James' voice that whatever happened had been severe.

"Remus, mate, have a seat." Remus followed the directions, looking at the crimson on his hands, from where his hands had hit the floor when he fell. James attempted to use a wet rag to clean his friend's hands, but the boy refused to be touched, and so James gave in. He turned to make himself tea and his friend hot chocolate, his mother reappearing.

"James, hun, why hasn't Remus had his hands cleaned?" Euphemia looked at the shocked boy in concern.

"He won't let me touch him, he just keeps staring at them. When I go near, he growls at me. I don't know what to do, mum." The last word cracked, and James began to lose his composure. 

"Well, come along. We are going to floo to St. Mungo's. Your father called me while I was upstairs." The boys followed Euphemia to the large fireplace. James pulled Remus in with him as he flooed to the wizarding hospital. 

As soon as they stepped out of the fireplace, Remus took off to the fourth floor, James trailing behind him. 

"Sirius, love, I'm so sorry." Remus collapsed as he stopped beside the sleeping boy's room. Fleamont and James lifted the teen off the floor and into a chair beside the bed. Sirius didn't wake up that day. Euphemia took her son home, and Fleamont stayed with Remus, who was refusing to leave until his boyfriend woke up. He had sent an owl to his parents telling them that he was ok, but he wasn't going home until Sirius was, too. It was past midnight by the time Remus fell asleep, head resting next to Sirius' bandaged arm, his hands still stained red.


	14. Self Loathing Can Be Destructive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suicidal Thoughts Warning

Remus woke up to a hand in his hair.

"Sirius, Merlin's pants! You're awake!" Remus shot up straight up, his chair crashing behind him. "I've been so worried about you! I'm so glad you woke-"

"Remus?"

"Huh."

"Is that mine?" Sirius looked down at Remus' stained hands.

"What do you mean? They are obviously my hands." Remus was suddenly embarrassed as he hid his hands in his pockets.

"I'm not daft, Remus. That's from...yesterday, isn't it?"

"Maybe, but that doesn't matter. I have my own questions, though." Remus looked quite grim, the smile falling from his lips, the light from his eyes. "Actually, just one. Why?"

"Why not," Sirius shrugged. "It's not like I have a family anymore, so who do I have that will love me now?"

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" Remus was red in the face, a side effect of his sudden rage. "I love you, you asshole!"

"If you really love me, Remus, then please explain to me what the fuck happened in March?! All I did was find a way to help you during the worst point for you, and you turned your back on me, left me, hated me! It took James dragging you to the dorms for you to even look at me, truly look at me! So excuse me if it is hard for me to believe you love me." Sirius stared at his bandages like they were the most interesting things in the world. "It's not like anyone can love me. I'm too screwed up. I'm just a disappointment, and I ruin everything I touch, and everyone would have been better off if you hadn't found me."

"Sirius, that is absolutely not true," Remus croaked thickly. "I love you so much it hurts. I never hated you, I was just angry. Sirius, I would hate myself more than I already do if you were hurt or worse, because of me. That's why I was upset. I never want what I am to affect you, ever."

"How can you hate yourself?" Sirius didn't understand how someone as great as Remus could feel self-loathing.

"Because I'm a monster, Sirius, and I always will be."

"You aren't a monster. You are an amazing guy. You have a good heart, you're smart, you are so funny, even if you only let me know that. A monster wouldn't be here with such a fuck up right now. I can't do anything right, it seems. Hell, I couldn't even off myself properly." Sirius let out a harsh cackle.

"Don't. Don't joke about this. I almost lost you. It's bad enough I didn't do anything about you going back at the beginning of the summer, and the altercation and curse with your mum happened. I couldn't take it if you died too. You deserve happiness, you deserve the world. You deserve to live. I know I'm being selfish, but I need you here with me." Remus couldn't speak above a whisper, emphasising the emotion behind the words. The force of this emotion struck Sirius.

"Merlin, Remus, we are a fucking mess, aren't we?" They both chuckled through tears that had started falling.

"Yeah, it seems that we are. Promise me, the next time you feel this bad," Remus gestured to the bandages, "you come find me and talk to me. It could be three in the morning, and I could be asleep, I don't give a rat's fat ass. You wake me up, you crawl into bed with me, whatever it takes. Because I love you, damn it. And I would have every night be a full moon before I lose you. Got it?"

"Got it. Remus, I'm sorry."

"I know."

"Can you wash your hands now? It's kind of disturbing to argue with your boyfriend while he's got your blood on his hands. Literally." Remus just chuckled as he used his wand to clean himself. He realized it might get really fucking hard, but they would make it.


	15. Nightmares Asleep and Awake

By Halloween, Sirius seemed to be doing better. Remus, James, and even Peter did everything they could to be there for him.

"Hey, love, you ready? The feast is starting, and I know how you love the treats." Remus reached out to take his boyfriend's hand. Sirius just smiled as he followed Remus down to the Great Hall.

The feast went well, Sirius laughing and joking with the rest of the boys. After the evening ended, The four retired.

Remus was awakened by screams coming from the bed beside his. Remus crawled out of his bed, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Remus," Sirius woke up crying as Remus crawled into his bed.

"It's ok, I've got you now, and I'm never leaving," Remus stroked the boy's hair. 

"It was that day again. The day I left home, I keep seeing it at night." More tears fell.

"I know, Sirius, I know." Remus pulled Sirius close to his chest, comforting him.

========================

"Remus," Sirrius shook his bedmate.

"Mmmm," Remus mumbled.

"I can't sleep." This caused Remus to force himself to be more alert.

"What do you need?" Remus adjusted to a more comfortable position.

"Can we just talk? About anything other than my parents? Can we just talk about stuff?" The dark haired boy looked desperate, almost broken. So Remus sat there and he began speaking about random facts he knew from his books as a kid, and as the night progressed, the conversation got deeper.

"What do you want to do after next year?" Sirius realised they had never really discussed plans for the future.

"Well, I'm not sure. I mean, not very many people like hiring...people like me, so I'll probably just take what I can get," Remus sighed.

"What do you mean?" Sirius looked confused.

"Well, it's very hard to get a job when someone has my condition. A lot of wizards don't want to hire us because we are still seen as monsters and as too dangerous to have around. It's a very prejudiced world and a difficult job search."

"That's bullshit!" Sirius was outraged. "There is no reason you shouldn't be able to get any job you want. You are smart, talented, and a great guy. The only danger you are is getting James and me extra detention. I'll talk to any slime-faced shithead who thinks you wouldn't make a good employee, give them some of the Black charm. I may hate my parents, but that doesn't mean I didn't pick up a few things."

"Whoa, boy," Remus chuckled. "It's ok. I will find something. I'll be ok. Besides, I'll have you and James and Peter. That's what will really matter. As long as we have each other, we can work the rest of it out."


	16. Welcome Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut Warning

"We did it, Moony. We graduated." Sirius was bouncing in his seat.

"Careful, Padfoot, or you'll tip the boat. It's amazing they let you or James even graduate, as many detentions as you've accumulated," Remus chuckled.

"Hey, you had your fair share of detentions with us," Sirius pointed out.

"Sure, but Peter and I combined don't have nearly as many as just you, Sirius." Sirius gave Remus an indignant look, before laughing and admitting it was the truth.

The boys laughed and enjoyed the glee accompanying the fact that they had done it, they had graduated. The train ride back to London was filled with laughter, candy, and affection, Sirius never left Remus' lap, Lily had joined them, and all of them wore genuine smiles.

"So, Remus, where are you headed for the summer?" Sirius seemed nervous about something.

"Probably just stay at my parents', why?" Sirius' nervousness was making Remus suspicious.

"Um, well, my uncle left me some money when he passed away, and I found myself a flat, and it's not very much, but I thought it'd be nice if you wanted to stay with me?" Sirius spoke quite slowly as if to delay having to finish his question.

"Are you asking me to move in?" Remus narrowed his eyes at Sirius.

"I suppose I am," Sirius mumbled.

"Goodness, Remus, stop giving him such a hard time, and just say yes," James all but yelled.

Remus chuckled, telling his boyfriend that indeed, yes, he'd love to move in. Sirius, grabbing the taller boy's hand, apparated them directly to the new flat.

Upon arriving at the flat, Remus noticed there was dinner already prepared and set up.

"I asked Mrs Potter to make a special dinner so I could treat you. I wanted to start off our first day as adults together properly." Sirius dragged Remus to the table.

"This is perfect, Padfoot. Thank you so much, love."

After dinner, they sat together on the couch, a bottle of firewhisky shared between the two. As the two became more inebriated, the arm brushes and touching thighs turned into Remus sitting on Sirius' lap. Remus was laughing, a wide and careless smile on his face, Sirius realised how in love he was with that smile, with the man behind the smile and took the opportunity to express this love in a sloppy but passionate kiss. Remus wasted no time in deepening their kiss. 

Soon, his teeth trapped Sirius' bottom lip, earning him a moan and renewal of effort. Remus adjusted himself, so Sirius was laying under him. The dark haired man fumbled to get his boyfriend's off, but it wasn't long before both were topless, chest to chest, sloppily and urgently exploring each other's mouths, excitement straining against both trousers. As the lust and need increased, the amount of clothing they were decreased. Neither knew how they got there, but the evening ended with Remus swallowing Sirius before they both fell asleep on the couch naked. It wasn't a bad first night in their new home.


	17. A Special Dinner

Music filled the apartment, waking Remus, as had become the norm. Sighing and rubbing the sleep from his eyes, Remus made his way to the kitchen to find Lily and James and Peter were there as well. Everyone had massive grins on their faces, causing the half-dressed man to narrow his eyes at them. Grabbing his cup of tea, Remus sat down with his best friend.

"What's going on?" Remus turned to address the others in the room, shouting above the terrible music.

"Why nothing at all, Sirius just invited us to hang out for the day, you know, to celebrate my engagement to Lily Evans." James attempted to put on his best innocent smile. Remus made a skeptical noise as he picked up the newspaper.

True to form, James and Lily didn't leave. It wasn't all that unusual, though. James often spent his days lounging around with Sirius. What did surprise him was Peter's appearance. Sirius and Peter never made up, though they maintained a tension filled peace. James and Sirius played chess, with Peter watching.

"So, you are going to marry the berk, then?" Remus flashed Lily a smile.

"Yeah, I guess I am," Lily chuckled. "You know, for the longest time, I didn't think anyone would get Sirius to settle down. And then you two kissed. Looking back, I don't think there was ever anyone else for him."

"There wasn't for me, either. I guess if anyone would be totally normal about living with a werewolf, it'd be him. I couldn't have asked for better." Remus looked at his boyfriend lovingly.

"OI! You great big cheat!" A commotion broke out at the coffee table that was being used for chess. Soon, Sirius and James were yelling at each other over some loss of the game.

"Those two are too competitive for their own good. Lily, would you like me to start dinner? I was thinking Shepard's Pie." Remus stood up.

"I'd love to," Lily replied before following him to the kitchen.

"Wow, this is so yummy," James managed to say around a mouthful of potatoes.

"I feel like music," Sirius suddenly jumped up, earning a groan from everyone else. Suddenly "Do you love me?" from Fiddler on the Roof filled the apartment.

"I thought you hated musicals?" Remus was suspicious all over again.

"I do but you love them and I love you," Sirius dropped into his knees in front of Remus' seat, "and I want to love you forever. Please marry me? We may not be able to have a muggle marriage, but one day we will be able to and I want us to get married as soon as possible."

"Of course I do, you silly mutt," Remus choked out while Lily cried and James and Peter smiled.


	18. Wedding Bells and Ill Tidings

Four men, all in tuxes, gathered in a bedroom, three of them tidying up the fourth.

"You ready, Prongs?" Sirius smiled at his best friend.

"No! What if she changed her mind and I'm left there at the alter? Oh god, I'd look like a blithering idiot, standing there all heartbroken while she runs off." James began to hyperventilate.

"James, Lily is madly in love with ou, so please breath. I do not want to explain to her why Sirius and I are supporting your unconscious form at the alter." Remus put a comforting hand on the groom's back.

============

"Lily, I loved you forever, even when you thought I was a prat. Well, everyone thought I was a prat because I was-"

"He was-" Sirius interrupted, earning a glare from Lily.

"But eventually, I won your heart. And when you agreed to go out with me in seventh year, I didn't shut up about it for weeks."

"Mate, you never shut up about it. All you talked about was Lily for like 8 years," Remus interjected.

"I thought that was the happiest moment of my life, but then I proposed and I thought that was the happiest day of my life. I was wrong. This. It can't get too much better than this, at least until we have kids. Lily Evans, the best part of my life is you becoming Lily Potter. I love you, Lily, and I'll love you forever, no matter what happens, good or bad." James had tears of happiness in his eyes as he finished his vows. So did all three of the groomsmen, not that they'd admit it.

The wedding went by with many tears and laughter and much smiling. The reception went well, and Sirius was dancing with his fiancé, a careless and happy grin on his face. Much to everyone's surprise, an owl arrived, landing on Sirius' dress robes. The smile fell off Sirius' face as he read the letter, and before anyone could ask what it contained, Sirius ran off, barreling through people in a desperate attempt to reach the doors. Remus exchanged looks with James and Lily before tearing after Sirius.

"Sirius, what is it?" Remus didn't bother masking the worry dripping from his words.

"He's dead, Moony. My only brother. I know he was on the other side, but he was still my baby brother, and the least shitty person in my family. And he's gone. The worst part? He probably died thinking I hated him. We had words a few months ago, and it got heated and I never got to apologize. Remus, what is going to happen now?" Sirius looked up at Remus with pleading eyes. 

"He knew you loved him, Sirius." Remus pulled Sirius into a hug and Sirius broke down sobbing. The death of his brother was so much more than losing family. It made the war seem more real. It brought the terrors of the world in front of Sirius' face. A new sense of terror was instilled in Sirius, and Remus' worry for his love was renewed.


	19. A New Life

Screams rang through the halls. Remus seemed to be the only calm one. James was pacing back and forth, running his hands through his hands nervously. Sirius was literally bouncing in his seat.

"James, sit down, you're making me dizzy. Sirius, come here, sit with me." James and Sirius both followed Remus' directions, but as fresh screams rang through, James was on his feet again. Remus sighed in defeat, at least he managed to still Sirius, running his hands through the other man's long hair.

"Potter party?" A medi-witch appeared. Sirius jumped off Remus and the three men followed the woman in front of them.

"It's a boy," Lily greeted the men. James smiled, tears running down his face.

"He's beautiful, Lily, look what we made," James whispered.

"I was thinking of naming him Harry."

"I think that's perfect, lovely." James seemed lost in the infant that had now been handed to him.

"Sirius, Remus, I'd like you two to be his godfathers. If you want, of course." Lily looked at the two men still in the doorway.

"Yes, a million times. He is going to be the most spoiled child in Britain." Sirius was grinning like an idiot.

"Moony, you should hold him," James turned to hand Remus the infant.

"Um, that's ok," The man declined awkwardly. James didn't seem to notice the discomfort and tried to pass him the baby again.

"Why does Moony get to hold him first, give him here," Sirius broke in, saving Remus. He did throw his fiancé a knowing look.

=====

Two nights previous

"Would you want to have kids of our own?"

"No kids. Kids aren't an option for me."

"Why, because we are gay? We can adopt or get a surrogate mother. There are options out there for us, silly."

"No, Padds, because I turn into an uncontrollable monster every month. With you, it's different, you have your animagus form. But an innocent, defenseless child? No, not an option."

"I could make sure the kid didn't come near, protect them. We could make it work."

"I said NO! I'm done discussing this. Please don't bring it up again."

"That's fine, we don't have to have kids. I'm sorry for pressing it, love. Come on, let's go lay down. We can watch a muggle movie."

"Go on without me, I'm going to go walking. Alone."

========

"He's really beautiful, Lily." Remus smiled at the new mother. 

The rest of the day was spent passing the baby around, cooing and laughing, until Lily kicked them out, saying she was tired and needed to sleep.

"Remus, are we going to talk about it?" Sirius and Remus had arrived at their flat, takeout in hand.

"Talk about what," Remus asked, feigning ignorance.

"You can't just never hold Harry. Lily will notice. And we are his godparents now." Sirius took a step forward, embracing the taller man from behind.

"We are not discussing this. I'm fine. Everything will be fine. I'm tired. I'm going to sleep now. Bye, Padds." Remus suddenly broke away, obviously wanting to be alone.

Sirius let him go to their room, deciding to shower. Once the bathroom had been properly steamed from the hot water, Sirius headed back to the living room, making a makeshift bed on the sofa. It wasn't comfortable, but Sirius could sleep anywhere. He soon fell asleep, uneasiness permeating his dreams.

When Sirius awoke, sore from the couch, there was a hot cup of tea on the coffee table in front of him.

"You're right, we need to talk about this. I'm sorry I snapped and made you feel you had to sleep out here. I missed you last night. And I want to be able to hold my godson."


	20. A Personal Apocolypse

It had been 1 year and 3 months since the youngest Potter was born. And boy, was he loved. But Sirius and Remus hadn't seen him in months. The Potters had gone into hiding. Peter and Dumbledore were the only ones who knew where, as Peter had been made Secret Keeper, since the other two were already godfathers, to ensure things were taken care of. It was known that the Potters were being hunted.

"Sirius!" Remus was chasing after a hysterically angry Sirius Black. "Sirius, wait!"

"No, Remus! He's lying! Look, I'm going over there and proving him wrong! He's fucking lying!" Sirius sounded more like he was trying to convince himself instead of Remus. Sirius jumped on his motorbike and sped away, leaving a swearing Remus standing alone on the street in the middle of the night.

"Damn it, Sirius!" Remus screamed before flooing to a wizard pub not too far from the Potter residence. Remus sprint out of the pub, getting some curious looks from the patrons. He ran down the street, trying to get to his destination as soon as possible, worried what would happen if he wasn't there. He stopped in front of a destroyed house that had a familiar bike in front.

"Sirius! Sirius, where are you?" Remus was frantic, searching the cottage. He passed the body of a dark haired man, glasses askew, eyes blank. Remus continued up the stairs, taking them three at a time. He glanced at the red-headed woman sprawled by a child's crib. In the corner, a mop of long black hair covered the face of a baby, while the shoulders attached shook.

"Sirius-"

"They're dead," the man croaked. It was like saying it out loud made it real, and sobs escaped, urging Remus to take the infant, holding him for the first time.

"Dumbledore asked me to bring 'im Harry," Hagrid entered the room. Sirius jumped to his feet faster than seemed possible, placing himself between Remus holding Harry, and Hagrid's outstretched arms.

"Over my dead body," Sirius shouted, wand pointed at the half giant.

"All due respect to Dumbledore, we are keeping Harry. We were named his guardians in case of this very thing. We are honoring James and Lily's wishes," Remus spoke up. He grabbed Sirius by the arm and apparated them home. He put Harry down in the crib they already had for when Harry visited. After the toddler was asleep, he went to check on Sirius, who was sobbing uncontrollably in the living room, curled into himself on the floor. Remus sat beside him, and pulled him into an embrace. Nothing was said as both men cried. They fell asleep on the floor, still in each other's arms. Things weren't ok, but they were going to figure it out. They had to, because the men who decided that they'd never have kids were fathers now, and the sleeping infant would need them.


	21. The Ending Of The Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As the queen of angst, I present to you another trigger warning. This chapter mentions suicidal thoughts, tendencies, and self injurious behavior. Remember, if you have any of these thoughts, please contact someone who can help, even if its a hotline.

It was November 3. It should have been a day of joy, of drinking, and laughter, and just generally screwing around. They should have been allowed to act like the young men they were, but instead, Sirius Black's 22nd birthday came with a heavy black cloud.

Remus came downstairs, Harry on his hip, ignoring the letters from Dumbledore piling up on the counter.

"Morning, Padds. Did you sleep ok?" Remus had spent the night in Harry's room the night before, dealing with the toddler's recurring nightmares. Sirius looked up at Remus, bags under his eyes, redness obvious as well. "What is it, Sirius?" Remus' long legs moved him forward on their own accord.

"I don't want to be here without him, Moony. It feels wrong. He should be here to raise Harry." Tears began to fall as his voice dropped to a whisper. "I don't want to be here."

Remus went to hug his fiance, but the dark haired man pulled away, avoiding the long arms. "Sirius, what did you do?" The words came out as a whisper, laced with sadness and worry.

"I'm sorry." Sirius' whisper cracked as fresh tears began to fall harder. Tears were brought to the werewolves eyes as well.

"Let me see." He grabbed Sirius' arms, not letting go as the other man tried to pull away. He pulled up the sleeve on Sirius' pajama top and let out an involuntary gasp. It was the worst he had ever seen the other boy do. "I'm going to clean you up now, and then we are going to have a bath and some tea. You will have a nap, and I will lay with you." Remus performed the proper healing spells. He dragged Sirius to the bathroom, where he drew a warm bath, then gently stripped Sirius, and then himself. He guided the other man into the tub, and lowered both himself and his partner into the warm water. He knew it was cramped but didn't care as the one person he loved most sat in between his legs, back against his chest. He took the wash rag and scrubbed the sweat and blood and tear stains from every inch. After Sirius was clean, Remus put the rag to the side and just sat there holding Sirius, letting his strong and lanky arms encircle and comfort the other man. Sirius hated how he felt. He hated the darkness he had worked so hard to rid himself of and the fact that it had returned to him. He felt like the broken 15-year-old boy who hid in bed for a month. He hated making Remus worry, but he didn't know how to get rid of the darkness, and he wasn't strong enough to pretend it wasn't there.

The two men sat in the now cold water for so long, an exhausted Sirius dozed off. He felt himself being lifted to his feet and sat on the cold toilet seat. He could feel an old towel being used to dry him off. He was lifted to his feet again and felt the sensation of cotton boxers being pulled up his legs into place. Then, he was being steered to the living room and laid on the couch.

"Stay here and get some sleep. I'm going to grab Harry and change the bedding. I will be back in two minutes, I promise," Remus dropped a chaste kiss on Sirius' still wet hair. Sirius fell into a restless sleep while Remus was away.

Remus changed the bedding in his and Sirius' room, before grabbing Harry from his room. "Come on, Cub, let us go check on Padfoot." As he entered the living room again, he saw how restless the other man's sleep was, and dropped Harry into the playpen with his favorite toys. He adjusted Sirius so the smaller man was laying on him, and he held the distressed man until the twitching stopped and peace settled over the troubled face. Harry, who hadn't slept much the night before either, also fell asleep, leaving the werewolf alone with his thoughts. Silent tears slid down his face as he allowed himself to grieve the loss of his friend a little. He had been so caught up in taking care of Harry, and keeping an eye on Sirius that he had forgotten to mourn the deaths of James and Lily. The tears fell harder when the thought that he had failed his fiance entered his mind. He promised himself that he would protect the other man from himself, never allow him to feel the need to hurt himself, and yet he had not noticed the previous night just how bad Sirius was hurting emotionally. Tears continued to fall until he cried himself to sleep.

Sirius woke up to find himself lying on top of Remus on the couch; as he looked around, he saw a baby Harry asleep in his playpen. Getting up, he walked to the kitchen and began preparing a meal. He wasn't quite sure what time it was but that was ok. He just wanted to thank Remus for being strong enough to take care of the three of them. He knew he was lucky that someone like Remus loved him. Remus never made him feel bad for not being ok, or for not behaving the way everyone else expected, or for anything really. He made Remus' favorite foods, and resolving to be the best godfather to Harry and husband to Remus, took the food to the sleeping forms in the living room. He wasn't ok, but he would be, and that knowledge, along with the love of Remus, and the joy of Harry would see him through. And that was the best he could ask for. He knew this path for him was written in the stars.


End file.
